I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We're too hungover to prance.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
