hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
