I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
