I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
