I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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