the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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