why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
