im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
