My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
