I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
tell me about the eggs
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
