does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
