someone threw a dead crab at me
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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