I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
