Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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