OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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