right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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