My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
