I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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