I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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