my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
