ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
