Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
