what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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