we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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