Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
