I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
