Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
