Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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