So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
