i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
