I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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