now i know why i became what i already was.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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