did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
