btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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