I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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