Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
