just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
