I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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