So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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