Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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