yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
