I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
