I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
