you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
