You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
