My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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