Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
