All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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