i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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