The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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