I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
